On Hook Up Buddies & Being Ready

SSDBFF: we met at this party at his house, actually and everyone was very drunk and she was talking about how she always imagined she’d marry a jewish guy

SSDBFF: and i was like, hey, i’m jewish, let’s get married! and so we joked all night that we were engaged and had everyone keep toasting us and our engagement, etc

SSDBFF: but i didn’t realize she sort of kind of took it seriously

Amelia: OH GOD HAHA, and then she was like “no seriously, where’s my ring?”

SSDBFF: not actually, but in her mind, we were already in a pretty serious relationship, i guess?

SSDBFF: i went home with her that night and neither of us had condoms, so i fell asleep in her bed and i woke up the next morning and ran out shirtless to the gas station on her corner :)

SSDBFF: we hooked up for about 3 weeks, never went out on a date, just hung out at her place, drank wine and fucked. after 3 weeks, i realized it wasn’t really going to go anywhere

SSDBFF: i thought she was gorgeous but i wasn’t into her sexually

SSDBFF: it was her smell, actually. it wasn’t bad, i just wasn’t into it. you can’t really be with someone when your actual chemistry is off

Amelia: Yeah, totally agree

Amelia: So were you thinking of her as just a fuck buddy?

Amelia: I mean, did you ever consider taking her out on dates or were you sure from the get go that it would just be a casual hookup thing?

SSDBFF: i didn’t know what it would be. she was older than me, so i was sort of letting her take the lead — but then i was like, ok, this is probably about to get serious and i don’t want that

Amelia: But you obviously weren’t trying to actually DATE her date her, i.e. your actions were not suggesting to her that you guys were actually a thing

SSDBFF: correct

SSDBFF: if she had said, “take me out on a date,” i would have. but she never did. so i never realized we were together-together, until i kind of got the sense more and more she was thinking that way

Amelia: Why? What was she doing/saying?

SSDBFF: she gave me a really nice, thoughtful birthday present with a very loving note

SSDBFF: obviously the gift itself isn’t WHY I broke it off, but it made me start to realize she was taking it pretty seriously. so I ended it.

Amelia: So you broke it off because you weren’t into her that way, and the timing of breaking it off was based on her showing signs that she was into you.

SSDBFF: yeah. she yelled at me, “do you even know what you are looking for?”

SSDBFF: “you’re never going to find anything like me!”

SSDBFF: then she called me an hour later to yell it all again

SSDBFF: and then an hour after that

Amelia: As Cameron Diaz says in ‘Vanilla Sky,’ YOUR BODY WAS MAKING PROMISES

SSDBFF: and then, an hour after that, she called me from the airport to tell me she was leaving

Amelia: OH GOD

SSDBFF: “where are you going?” “I don’t know, just wherever, i just need to get away from here”

Amelia: >.<

SSDBFF: then i didn’t hear from her again, but I heard from a mutual friend that a year later she converted to judaism, became extremely religious and married a jewish guy. covers her hair, wears long dresses and has i think 3 kids now?

SSDBFF: so she was totally serious about that marrying a jew thing — like she was READY, i just wasn’t the guy

Amelia: Well, this actually makes me wonder something

Amelia: If you’re hooking up with someone, but you’re not trying to date them, and are either explicitly making it clear that you’re not into them that way, or are more subtly telling them that by not treating them like a girlfriend, and you know they are falling for you, are you obligated to STOP hooking up with them?

Amelia: Or do you not have a moral responsibility so long as you’re not lying or leading them on?